Is This It?
by Lana Archer
Summary: "Try being the girl Damon chooses instead of his beloved doppelgänger; the one he himself put ahead of his forever with a face he's been obsessed with longer than she herself will ever live." (Post season six one-shot)


**Note:** I will update my older things as soon as I can. I try to update the stuff people are still interested in, so if you're waiting for something lemme know :) (This is unedited, speedily written and a one-shot)

* * *

 **Is This It?**

 _ **Take it from the girl you claim to love**_

 _ **You're gonna get some bad Karma**_

* * *

"I don't think we understand just how big a deal this is," Stefan insisted after Caroline threw her hands up in frustration. They'd been bickering for an hour now. "Damon _loves_ her."

"No!" Caroline shouted, "No, he doesn't. When you love someone you don't treat them the way Damon treats Bonnie, _that's_ not love." She jabbed a finger at his chest her pale blue eyes framed with an angry arch of her brows. Stefan's eyes pressed closed for a moment in silent agreement.

"Okay, yes," Stefan admitted, "Yes the way Damon talks to Bonnie sometimes is out of line, and the way he pushes her patience and her magic, but that's Damon, that's Damon's love."

" _Who_ let him think it would be good enough for Bonnie, huh?" Caroline snapped. "She's not Elena, he can't just walk all over her feelings and then smile and pretend it didn't happen or worse, just assume he's forgiven and she's moved past it!"

"Caroline, just think." Stefan urged. "This is Damon we're talking about; everything I know about him has been centred on one person – _Katherine_." Caroline reeled back a little, caught off guard by his new perspective, "Everything that happened; all the _years_ of Damon and I orbiting around our past and what made us who we are; it all came down to her. Katherine brought out the worst in the both of us when she used us like she did; she put the worst parts of ourselves under a microscope in the other's eyes and that stayed…even now it's a predominant part of who we are. Even Damon's initial draw to Elena was a ripple effect of Katherine's power of him; same as mine." Caroline's mouth clamped shut when he held up a hand to her attempt to interjecting. "Everything about it has defined Damon for the longest time; I'm sure the habit of it all has managed its way into his DNA at this point. What happened with Katherine, the culmination of all of that, of me and him and Elena, it's the only outlet for Damon's love he's ever had –" He closed space between the two of them with a serious wave of his hand between them, "All he's ever wanted is for it all to have not been in vain, right?" The blonde shrugged. "When it came down to it, when he had to choose, he didn't choose the girl who embodied all of that; he chose Bonnie."

"Bonnie would have _**died**_ , Stefan!" Caroline hissed, "There was no choice, he's a vampire, sixty years is **nothing** to him, don't _**you**_ get it? He chose both of them by saving Bonnie. What? I'm supposed to be grateful that he did the right thing?"

"With _Damon_?" Stefan's face twisted with incredulous sarcasm, "Yes Caroline, _yes_ you are."

"I'm so sick of this!" The vampire girl growled, "Bonnie has given that damn idiot the world, she's saved him countless times never mind the rest of us and I'm just supposed to let it slide that the one time Damon does the right thing and shoves it in her face constantly because he finally realises the consequences of his choices and I'm _supposed_ to excuse his behaviour because he thinks he loves her?!" The blonde ran frustrated fingers through her hair and huffed. "I haven't gotten to be a best friend to Bonnie in so long and I'm _trying_ now; nothing can make up for the time we lost but I'll be damned if anything comes between her and happiness and if that means I have to beat it into Damon's head myself, then that's exactly what I'll do."

" _Caroline_ –"

" _No_ Stefan!" She spun and held up a finger at his face, "I don't care what Damon thinks he's given up by finally doing right by Bonnie. I don't care that this could be the first time he's actually realised what love is supposed to feel like with someone who has nothing to do with the hot mess of a history you two have between each other…All I care about is Bonnie. Bonnie is the one who's _been_ running out of time, Bonnie's the one who needs to know she's loved, that she will be happy again, despite it all." Stefan looked down to his feet. "I know you love Damon," Caroline's voice was softer then and it drew back his attention, "But your love doesn't and will never excuse his behaviour…not to me and not to anyone else, remember that. You can forgive him for whatever you like, but I will _never_ forgive him for holding this or anything else over Bonnie's head while she's still with us. Fuck _that_ and fuck _him_." Drawing in a breath Caroline squared her shoulders. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to call Matt and see if he knows where Bonnie is."

* * *

" _Hello. You've reached Lucy's voice mail, don't bother leaving a message, if it's important, you know what to do_." Bonnie sighed and ended the call, knowing she had nothing to do a locator spell with.

"Damn it Lucy, you promised." Bonnie sat down on the edge of her bed and held her head in her hands. She was surrounded with boxes and open travel cases. She'd packed up Sheila's house. If it wasn't sold off it was in was stored in the basement or attic. She was in the midst of doing the same with her father's house. Packing up his things had been hard too; but she'd soon found herself lost in the mechanic process that left her on auto-pilot as she sifted through the years of her blindly human life and the beginning of the Supernatural World she'd come to know so well. She was about to get up and continue packing when her cell phone rang. Damon flashed across the screen of the device and she couldn't help but think back to all the times when relief was the emotion she'd associated with seeing that he was calling. Before Elena died they'd begun to fall into the sync of their friendship, even with their constant fighting. It was an uphill battle with them; always had been, and she knew she had only clung on because through the struggle of it all, they always managed to keep going up; keep moving forward, keep growing and yet never outgrowing one another. She stared at the screen now and a dread filled her chest.

Damon had taken to his pain in the only way it seemed that he knew how. And while Bonnie remained unsurprised in his bitter revelation of what his choices had garnered for his lot, she knew she was quickly running out of time and patience for the things that concerned her _own_ wellbeing. She was feeling too many things herself to even mull over what he must be feeling. Kai had pulled a fast one, something they should have seen coming and it had left her entire life in the balance – which again; they should have seen coming. It always came down to the same thing. Elena's life as leverage, Damon being caught in the crossfire and Bonnie's head being readied for the chopping block. When Damon said he was leaving her, when he said he was sorry and kissed her forehead she remembered all too clearly the pain that had lanced through her heart then. It was so much worse than the searing fire of the blood filling her lungs. It was worse because it was the culmination of her every fear – and above all that, it made her feel so stupid in that moment, thinking she stood a chance in the face of the 'forever' Damon and Elena had always wanted (even before they knew each other). Who was she to stand in the way of that? How dare she? Surely by now she was classified as a ghost she'd died so many times; dying was something she was good at. She pressed the red button. She felt so idiotic for even thinking; for a moment, that Damon cared enough to save her. When his hands slipped away from her, when the phantom press of his mouth still lingered on her skin; she knew she was as good as dead. The hurt was still with her from that awful moment. Damon called again and again she hung up.

When he came back, she couldn't even make sense of any of it. She'd clung to him when he lifted her into his arms, because she wasn't sure any of it was real. When they passed Kai's beheaded body it slammed into her. Elena was gone. Elena was as good as dead to her. She'd never see her best friend again.

"…Bonnie?" She shot upright and spun to face her open door. Matt was at the threshold, looking as he always did; that sad smile telling her everything she needed to know. "Caroline's going crazy trying to get inside the house." He sort of smiled at that but she turned away and redirected her attention to her hands. "Hey, look, I'm not here for anyone but you." Matt went on, circling around her and dropping to his haunches in front of her. "I just want to know how you are."

"I'm tired." She said after a while and he nodded. She looked him in the eye. "I'm so tired of being sad. I'm tired of Damon acting the way he is. I'm tired of love being an excuse." He swallowed when her eyelashes fluttered, the promise of tears lining her eyes. "Everything I've done since I realised what I was, was for everyone but me." She looked down again. He took her small hands in his and her bottom lip trembled in gratitude at the contact, the warmth, the familiarity. "And I know no one expected Damon to save me, and that I guess I should be grateful, and believe me, I am…but why does it feel like it's not enough?"

"I don't follow." She licked her lips as she tried to form a coherent sentence.

"To Damon, what he did was colossal, but, to me…it's something I've been doing since I was sixteen. Putting _anything_ and _everything_ ahead of what I wanted." She drew in a shuddering breath and pulled away from him, both of them standing to their feet but she had her back to him. "I don't know what I'm saying, I don't know what I'm trying to say. All I know is that it hurts and nothing is helping."

"So you're leaving?" He surmised. She turned slowly to face him then, her eyes downcast and her mouth twisted in a dull smile.

"Any better ideas?" She challenged and he nodded, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, as a matter of fact I do," Matt said seriously, "Stop letting Damon decide your future."

"I'm not –" She frowned.

"Yes," he cut her off, "Yes you are," He closed some of the space between them. "No one was more surprised than me when I heard what happened with you, him and Kai. I was the one who told you to run, _remember_?" She nodded. "But Bonnie, after it all, after all the desperation, the hysteria and the urgency he felt to be with her, he put you before all of that…that has to mean something." He put his hands on her shoulders. "That being said, you're right. This is something you've been doing for years now…which is why, as strange as it sounds, you need to meet Damon head on. Fire with fire. He knows you're grateful, who wouldn't be, but he also needs to know that whatever he's going through shouldn't be dumped onto your shoulders because you're the only one left who knows him as well as you do outside of Stefan." He pressed his mouth together in frustration. "Bon, this is your home. Me and Care, _we're_ home. _This_ ," he looked up and around the both of them, "This is your home, you deserve to have a chance at whatever you decide to do with your life without someone making you feel like you have to earn it. You don't have to earn shit." He insisted. "You deserve the _goddamn world_ , and he should be giving it to you, not trying to take it away because he can't admit the truth."

"And what's that?"

"That he loves you and he's scared shitless of losing you." Bonnie snorted and pulled away and Matt sighed. "It's the truth." Matt shrugged. "But I'm going to go now, I have work in a few minutes. Call me, okay? Don't just decide to do something drastic and not tell me." She turned to him then and there was a small smile on her face.

"Wouldn't dream of it." She swore, walking over and giving him a hug. "See you later, Matt."

"Later, Bon."

* * *

"It's about time." Caroline snapped as Bonnie stepped out of the house a few hours later and right into the vampire's open arms. "Don't ever make me worry like that again."

"Can't promise anything." Bonnie tried to joke but they were both frowning when they pulled apart. "Sorry about the wards, I'm still trying to figure out how to make it vampire specific." Caroline's brow quirked but she said nothing as they made their way down the walkway. "So, where are we going? I'm assuming I have some grovelling to do for keeping you in the dark today."

"As much as I'd love to play twenty one questions with you about how you're feeling after that blow-out with Damon, but I think we both have better things to do with our time than talk about that cretin."

"… _Thanks_." Bonnie froze at the sound of his voice. Looking up at Caroline as Damon came to stand next to her, the blonde raising both hands.

"Do you think I want him here?" Caroline gasped, turning her attention to Damon with a monstrous glare. "What the hell are you even doing here?"

"I'm here to see Bonnie… _obviously_." His voice was hard and terse. His dark brows lifting to punctuate the following silence as he glared back at Caroline, waiting for her to leave.

"Well I don't want to see you." Bonnie said aloud, walking out from between the two of them, already tired of a conversation she hadn't even had with him yet.

"You've ignored enough of my calls," Damon called after her, narrowing his eyes in warning; jaw tight as Caroline tried to stop him from following Bonnie. "We need to talk."

"No thanks," Bonnie called over her shoulder, "I don't think I can stand hearing your biting remarks on my existence again, I've had my fill of your resentment."

"I'm _sorry_ about that!" He exclaimed and she barked a humourless laugh, even as he flashed in front of her; between her and the car door. Bonnie held up a hand to Caroline, knowing the vampire was itching to pop something of Damon's out of place.

"You _think_ you're sorry," Bonnie corrected him sardonically, "Just like you _think_ I have to forgive you for everything you do and say because you decided to save my life. Like _I_ was the one who made you choose, or like I haven't snapped myself in half bending over backwards for you and _everyone_ else in this stupid town!" Her nostrils flared as her face became flushed with the waves of anger rolling through her as she crowded his space. Now _he_ was trapped between her and the car. "You think I don't know how you feel? Putting _everything_ you've ever wanted on hold because someone needed you? Do you know who you're talking to right now?" Her voice rose up and Damon felt whatever fight he had die on his lips as he watched her rage unfold. "I know _exactly_ how you feel; I know _exactly_ what propelled you to make the choices you did, I know you felt like your hands were tied either way and that the lesser of two evils seems more like a _godsend_ in the heat of the moment…" She was centimetres from his face now, "Damon. Like _everything_ thing else we've been through…I _know_. I get it." He could see the sincerity shining in her eyes. "You think you're overwhelmed right now?" She went on, her eyebrows arching in emphasis, "Try being the girl Damon chooses instead of his beloved doppelgänger; the one he _himself_ put ahead of his forever with a face he's been obsessed with longer than she herself will _ever_ live." Bonnie's eyes went from one half of his face to the other; taking in every nuance, every small inflection in his demeanour, knowing she'd struck a massive blow. Caroline was a few feet away – gobsmacked.

"You're my best friend." He muttered. She smiled, but shook her head in the negative.

"If I was, you wouldn't be punishing me because you love me, and if that's what friendship is to you then…" she averted her eyes for a split second, "Then I don't want it."

"Bonnie I'm _sorry_." His words sounded more like a desperate plea at this point, for what; she didn't know.

"Damon," she shook her head again, "I _know_ that. But it doesn't mean anything will ever change." She stepped away from him then and stuck her hands in her jacket pockets; inwardly irked because it was technically _his_ leather jacket, "And no, I'm not going to leave, as much as I want to. I love Care and Matt too much unfortunately," Damon watched as the same, small hopeful smile passed over both girls' faces then. "But I can't do this with you anymore Damon; I'm not wasting whatever's left of my life doing this with you."

"So…that's it then?" He asked, his sharp disappointment hardening him in that moment. She exhaled loudly and nodded.

"You mean a lot to me Damon, you really do, but I have got to stop putting that ahead of my own wellbeing." Caroline nodded and smiled a proud smile at Bonnie's words. "And you know I'd never ask you to change; all I wanted was for you to be happy and…it really hurt when you showed me that you don't want the same thing for me." He frowned at the hurt that was burrowing a hole through him.

"Of course I do," he said, "That's why I came back for you," he went on when she stepped away from him. "That's why, when we were in the Prison World, and Kai attacked us, I wanted _you_ to go home, remember? I want _you_ to be happy, in my own way I always have…" He struggled to understand everything he was feeling then but forged on, "Bonnie, I don't know what I'm doing here, you know that. I'm no good when things are good; that's why I screw them up, but I'm _trying_ … and I'm screwing it up but I'm _trying_ –"

"Damon –"

"And I know what I said, but I was angry, and while that isn't an excuse, I think we both know what happens when I care too much," his eyes were begging her to hear him out, "…When I _love_ too much." Bonnie stopped short. "Look what it got Stefan," his laugh was a bitter comma between his breaths, "And Elena. And _you_." He threw his hands out. "I guess this is just what happens when I love someone."

"Damon…"

"I know you're right Bonnie," he went on, "I'm not here to keep fighting, or shouting. You deserve better, we _all_ know that." He walked to her then, slow, paced steps, "You deserve the world, you deserve to live, _forever_ even…and you're right; you deserve better than the way I've been treating you…but I don't want you to find better anywhere else, or with anyone else…I want to be your best friend again, _I_ want to be the person you call," he waved Caroline off impatiently, "We've been through too much together for me to fuck it up like this and have that be the way it ends." He ran a hand through his hair, "I need you and I _know_ you need me. It's how we work, and I'm going to do better by you, I promise. I love you too much to let you go, I'm sorry, that's just how it is." He put his hands on her shoulders, but the feel of it all, was so different to Matt's or anyone else's for that matter and she saw an echo of that knowledge in his eyes. "You deserve better and I can be better, for _you_."

Stefan appeared next to Caroline. He leaned in and whispered softly in her ear as they watched Bonnie's smile grow as she held Damon's gaze, sure neither of them would hear what he was about to say to her, "Told you he loved her." Damon pulled Bonnie into a hug and after a moment, her arms wrapped around him as well. Caroline would finally admit that there was some merit to Stefan's argument, but she doubted that either of them knew just how much Damon loved Bonnie. And, looking over at them, she doubted very much he and Bonnie knew either.

* * *

 **Thoughts?**

 **XO**


End file.
